The idea of less responsibility and more free time scares me. Most people would be grateful to carve more time out for family or relaxation, but I just don't feel like I'm wired that way. I don't feel that I've yet grown into my identity as a mother. It just doesn't feel natural to me, and I fight shame about that on a regular basis. Instead, I define myself by staying busy... by saying yes, by being dependable to as many people as will let me. The ugly truth is, I know some things need to change before they fall apart entirely. And yet I don't know where to start.
So it's been brewing. I've tried to bring it up a few times, with Chris or my mom or anyone who will listen. But I usually end up turning the conversation into something noncommittal, with words like margin and reevaluate. It feels awkward to share, because I don't really have any clear direction yet. At the risk of sounding vague, I'm truly just scared to say things out loud.
The other night, I recorded a voice memo to help me organize my thoughts for this post. In fact, I wasn't even sure if this would turn into a post at all. I had to pop into work after dinner for something extra, and I was not very happy about leaving my warm pajamas. On the short drive over, I simply put my phone down in my lap and started talking. I wanted to remember the way that this felt - a lightbulb moment that struck me so poignantly during the first week of this new year.
I still don't have clarity on what this means for my heart or my endeavors or my skills or my career or my future in 2013... but after listening back a few times, I feel like I'm getting somewhere. Instead of transcribing this silly ol' voice memo into a typical blog post, I figured I might as well just share it with you in its original form.